Through the years my "WHY" for participating in Movember has been surface level. I struggled, like so many others, with taking care of my mental health. For the last 15 years or so I have experienced the ebbs and flows of depression. I've had some very high highs and low lows. All in all, I’d still say that I didn’t struggle with nearly as bad as others. So, I wanted to try my best to raise awareness and funds for a cause that up until last year, was slightly personal to me. Up until last year I had only danced with depression.
In March of last year my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 neuroendocrine carcinoma. A rare and aggressive cancer. He passed just 2 months after his diagnosis.
To add insult to injury, the very next week my wife and I experienced a miscarriage.
Both of those things individually can be difficult to process and grieve. The thing is, I didn't feel an overwhelming amount of sadness. I felt numb.
After that first week I just stopped feeling. My wife and I would go on a trip, spend time with friends and family, do things we enjoy doing. It all just felt like a blur. I was just going through the emotions.
After a few months the first emotion that came to me was not sadness but guilt. “Why am I not grieving? Why am I not sad my dad died? Why do I feel nothing about losing our baby? They deserve to be grieved, and I can’t even give them that.”
November came and I tried hyping myself up for Movember. I tried telling myself this year is more personal. It didn't work. I raised just under $300. I didn’t have the fire in my gut. More guilt.
Christmas came. My favorite holiday. Surely, I can feel some kind of joy? Nothing. I’d go through the motions yet again. More guilt.
New Years came. I tried sitting down and writing out my goals for the year, the trips I wanted to take and guess what? I felt nothing. No motivation to do anything. More guilt.
My wife was pregnant with our first born. The due date was quickly approaching. The "Honey-do" list growing, excitement building. We will be meeting our baby in just a few months. Yet I still felt (pretty much) nothing. Was I excited? Sure, occasionally. It would come in spurts. Yet again, the guilt rushed over me.
May 22nd arrived. A week and a half past her due date and 1 year exactly after my dad died. Our little girl came flying into this world headfirst (pun intended).
Just like that I finally began to feel. It didn’t come back all at once. It took a couple weeks of forcefully yet willingly being present in the day to day of being a new parent. It's kind of difficult being on autopilot while changing a poopy diaper after poopy diaper.
It was late June when I started feeling myself again. Grief would hit me harder than a Mack Truck. I finally started to process everything. I welcomed grief with open arms (even though it hurt like a SOB).
In the past, I could quickly diagnose myself with depression, throw on some running shoes, and work to get myself out of the funk. This time it was different. It didn’t hit me hard or all at once. It slowly engrained itself, lingered, fogged my brain, added a few inches to my waistline, and took away a year of my life.
This year, it is more personal to me than it has ever been. I want to be there for my wife and daughter, physically and emotionally.
Movember is an organization that helps men do just that. I look forward to doing my part, running some miles, and raising some funds along the way.
Cheers,
Jared
Go HERE if you'd like to donate.
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